New Era Has The Right Idea Trying To Get Us All To Wear Our Junk Size On Our Hats

Obviously the folks over at New Era knew what they were doing here. They release hats that display your hat size and we - meaning males with a tragically juvenile sense of humor that frequent websites like BarstoolSports dot com - jump all over it because it could also mean the size of our crank. Hilarity ensues because penises, much like farts, are always funny. 

If virality was their goal then mission accomplished. But virality does not equal sales and you wearing an "8" on your head probably doesn't mean you have a large johnson either. I'd guess 80% of our readership would have a hard time shopping in the "Child" section of the website let alone the adult sizes.

But I'm not here to schlong shame. Be proud of that pud. I'm sure your wife or girlfriend is being completely genuine when she says your dick is the perfect size and she doesn't like guys who wear hats with a 7 or above. 

Aside from porn stars buying these or them being purchased as a gag gift, I'm not sure how well these bad boys are going to sell. But they should. We should all buy a hat with our exact wang size and wear them proudly.

It might actually make the world a better place. If you were walking around and 75% of the hats you passed had a number in the fours or fives you would feel way better about your six. We're being brainwashed by the porn industry to think all guys are walking around with a massive tripod. We need to take back the narrative. Regular joes, regular sized hose.  

And women wouldn't have to worry about being surprised by micromeat any longer. Definitely saves that awkward conversation. Something that has been debated frequently over the past few days. 

While we're at it we should let everyone know our sack size too. We can represent this with a number on a jersey. Just imagine walking around with a 4 1/2 on your head but a 55 on your jersey. That's how you balance out the scales of sexuality. A below average cock on one side and a big ol' sack of family jewels on the other side. I bet you Lady Justice would take a peak under the blindfold for that combo.

And just think guys, if you do have a smaller unit than is represented on that New Era post, you're actually in luck. What you suffer in embarrassment from shopping in the children's section you gain back in savings paying children's prices. Stubby chode, fat wallet. After all that's the part most women care about anyway.